长官 看看这个 Sir, you need to see this.
圣母玛利亚 Mother of God.
两片同映 Double Feature.
星期三10点 全新上线 All new. Wednesdays at 10.
只在FX On FX.
新浪微博 @摆渡字幕组 翻译 关注微博 了解最新影视资源 商业合作Q：20882169 字幕组翻译人员招募中报名群:397129952 追美剧 用美影预报 app下载地址：my8.cool
翻译：hope/Long lived kid/c路粒子
总监：微光倾城
今天是个特别的日子 Today's a very special day.
是我主人的登基日 It's my master's Accession Day.
准确来说是 It's the anniversary
他加冕为阿尔坤戴尔地区最高总督的 of when he was crowned Supreme Viceroy
周年纪念日 for Al Qolnidar.
所以这是件天大的喜事 So it's kind of a big deal.
我们准备了他最爱的亮片纸 His favorite. Crepe-y paper.
每年我都为这个特殊的场合 Every year, I try to do something special
做些新尝试 for the occasion.
大家都沉浸在这个氛围当中 The whole house gets into it,
咱就是说 真的很投入 like, really into it.
太棒了！耶！ Yes! Oh, yeah!
科林 · 罗宾逊 Colin Robinson gets, uh,
有点太投入了 a little too much into it.
啊...-哦 不 Ah... - Oh, no.
不 我觉得你还是把头巾解了吧 No. I-I don't think you should be wearing that turban again.
我觉得你得先去做一下学术背景调查吧 Well, I think you need to do some research.
因为这个头巾 'Cause not only is this turban accurate
不仅能准确地反映波斯的古代文明 to the ancient civilizations of Persia,
也是我好朋友王公杜里普 · 辛格 it also happens to be a gift from my good friend,
送我的礼物 the Maharaja Duleep Singh.
所以如果你有什么要说的 So if you have anything to say,
-不管是针对我还是针对王公... -我不是这个意思 - to either myself or the maharaja... - I just, it's not that.
我的意思是 它放在地下室的时候 It was kept in storage in the basement,
就已经有一窝老鼠在里面安了家 and the rats were nesting in there.
啊 这……好吧 Oh, right.
找到了 Oh. Here it is.
我们走 Let's go.
滚你妈的 Off you fuck.
嘿 主人 Hey, Master.
♪太阳已经落山♪ ♪ The sun has set♪
♪星星都出来了♪ -♪ The stars have all come out♪
♪为了给你庆祝这重要的一晚！♪ ♪ To celebrate your big night!♪
- 登基日快乐 南多！ - Happy Accession Day, Nandor!
今天是你的登基大典啊 主人 It's your big Accession Day, Master.
- 你忘了吗? -没有 - Did you forget? - No.
好吧 Okay.
好吧 除旧 Well, it's just one of those mornings, I guess.
迎新！ But the night's just beginning.
当然啦 -耶！ I'll bet. - Yay!
我给你做了点东西 希望你喜欢 I made you a little something, and I hope you like it.
不错 Great.
行吧 他不喜欢这样 Well, he didn't like that.
♪登基日快乐♪ [to tune of "Happy Birthday"]: ♪ Happy Accession Day♪
♪ 雷伦特先生……♪ ♪ Mr. Relentle...♪
他怎么了？ What's up with him?
罗宾逊 别再跳肚皮舞了 Colin Robinson, you can stop belly dancing.
- 他都不在这里了 -我知道 - He's not even in the room. - I know.
我是为我自己跳的 This is just for me.
又一个登基日 Another Accession Day.
我真是太可怜了 Pitiful.
几百年前的今天 On this day hundreds of years ago,
我掌握了这个国家的政权 I rose to power in my country.
叽里呱啦叽里呱啦啧啧啧 Blah, blah, blah. Yada yada yada.
只是时间长河里又一个里程碑 It's just another milestone to celebrate for the rest of time.
信不信由你 朋友 Believe it or don't believe it, baby,
吸血鬼抑郁症真的是一个大问题 but vampire depression is the real fucking deal.
一望无际的永生之年 The prospect of immortality
可以把一个吸血鬼逼疯 can give some vampires the shits.
他们盯着这人生永恒的隧道 令人生厌 They hate the idea of staring down life's eternal tunnel.
这一切到底有什么意义呢？ What does it all mean?
没意义 Nothing.
吸血鬼抑郁的时候 When a vampire is depressed,
最好离他们远点 -the best treatment is to avoid them at all costs. Yeah.
我今年700岁了 I'm 700 years old,
那又怎样呢 and what have I got to show for it?
我已经是一个成年的吸血鬼了 但我还有室友！ I'm a fully grown vampire, and I still have roommates.
没有相守一生的伴侣 I have no life partner.
没有活蹦乱跳的孩子 - I have no living children.
没有人可以分享我的梦想或梦魇 I have no one to share my dreams or my fears with.
抱歉 南多 我只是.. Sorry, Nandor. We were just...
- 我在找东西... -快点 - I just have to check something, um... Hurry.
科林 · 罗宾逊的肚皮舞 I mean, once you see Colin Robinson belly dancing
看多了以后 a few times,
新鲜感就渐渐地消失了 the magic kind of wears off.
我啊 无比强大 It doesn't matter that I'm
但又能怎样呢 an infinitely powerful being.
强大对于永生来说毫无意义 - Doesn't mean anything when you live for eternity.
永生时 一切都失去了意义 Everything loses its meaning when you live for eternity.
我认识南多那么久 In all the years I've known Nandor, I've...
我从没见过他这个样子 I've never seen him like this.
我想他可能正经历中年危机 I think he might be having a midlife crisis.
但他是不死之身 所以.. But he's immortal, so I guess...
大概是个小危机 maybe more like a crisis-crisis.
南多陷入了一场小危机 Nandor's in crisis.
好啦 各位 So, everyone, we have
我们吸血鬼议会有一项重要职责 a very important Vampiric Council duty
虽然我一直觉得十分困难 that I'm afraid is even too hard
即使用上我超凡的能力也无法完成 for my absolutely amazing abilities.
我们有会员 Someone hasn't paid
欠我们吸血鬼委员会的会费 their Vampiric Council union fees in a while.
哦 天啦 Oh, no.
有时候暗戳戳地提醒南多会比较好 Sometimes it is nice to tiptoe in and remind Nandor
他是个非常重要的吸血鬼 that, uh, he's very important vampire
有很多重要的工作要做 还有.. with very important jobs to do and...
还有就是 收会费 Also, collecting Vampire Council dues
基本上就是我们该死的工作职责了 is basically vampire shit work.
我不想干！ And I don't want to do it!
但是 你知道 其实更重要的是 But, you know, more the first thing,
我想让我的朋友南多开心起来 that I want to raise my-my friend up.
那么 谁来解决这个问题呢？ So, who wants to tackle this one?
我不知道 米拉迪 Well, I don't know, milady.
你确定这里有人能胜任这个任务吗？ Are you sure anyone here is up for this task?
哦 该死 大概吧 -- 哦 不 亲爱的 Oh, shit. Um, yeah-- Oh. No, my darling.
我可没这勇气啊 I wouldn't be man enough?
呃 Hmm.
哦呃.. O-Oh. Uh...
我很想帮忙的 I-I would love to help you out,
但是我也不太敢…… but I, too, fear I'm not, uh, man eno-- whatever.
好吧 你个蠢货 No, that's right. You are very shit-stupid man,
你也做不到 so you can't do it.
你呢 南多? 收帐吗？ How about you, Nandor? Bill collection?
好吧 我去 Okay, fine. I'll do it.
给你 太好了！ There you go. Yes!
这是项非常特别的工作 It's a very special job,
- 所以我们需要最... -我说了我去收！ - and we need the most... - I said I'll do it!
账单给我 草！ Give me that. Fuck!
- 要我跟你一起去吗? -不用！ - Do you want me to come with you? - No!
啊 Ah.
整挺好 Oh, great.
我现在看起来很健康 They have wellness vampires now.
嗯.. Um...
请问一下 You don't happen to know where I could find
简在哪里？ someone called Jan, do you?
非常感谢 Thanks very much.
这他妈的什么情况？ The fuck is that?
走吧 - Come on, then.
舒展开 这就是我想看到的 对！ Stretch those out. That's what I want to see, yes!
伸展一下筋骨 感受一下你的热量在燃烧！ Stretch those hammies, feel the burn! Yes!
呃…… -啊 你好？ Um... - Oh, welcome.
打扰了 我只是来找.. Sorry, I am just here for...
简？ Jan?
请加入我们 摄像师也可以进来 Please join us, bring your cameras.
- 这里没有秘密 -啊 不是 - No secrets here. - Uh, no.
- 我只是来收债的 -找个位置吧 - I am just here for your debt collection. - Take a seat.
所以.. So...
我们最爱做什么？ What do we love?
流汗 To sweat.
我们怎么流汗？ And how do we sweat?
跳舞 By dancing.
我们该对新来的说些什么？ And what do we say to newcomers?
欢迎光临 跳舞前必须伸展一下你的身体 Welcome. You must stretch before you dance.
我刚才站在那里的时候已经说过了 Uh, like I said, as I was standing over there,
我只是来收债的 I am only here to, uh, collect a debt
你已经132年没交过的吸血鬼议会费了 for Vampire Council dues you haven't paid in 132 years.
哦 你一定是弄错了 Oh, you must be mistaken.
这里没有吸血鬼 伙计 No vampires here, pal.
-但是 你是简 对吗？ - But, you are Jan, yes?
是的 但我已经不再是吸血鬼了 Yes, but I am no longer a vampire.
那真是... 哇 That's... Wow.
哎呀 你们都把尖牙拔掉了 Eesh. You have all pulled your own fangs out.
打扰了 呃 但是这并不能否认一个事实 Very disturbing, uh, but it does not negate the fact
- 那就是你们还欠一大笔钱呢 -不用还了 朋友 - that, uh, you owe a great sum. - No sum to be paid, friend,
因为我们不再是吸血鬼了 for we are no longer vampires.
我们又变回人类了 We have become humans again.
嗯哼 Mm-hmm.
这到底是怎么回事呢？ How is such a thing even possible?
欢迎 进来吧 随便坐 Welcome. Come on in, have a seat.
不用了 谢谢 Uh, no, thank you.
你懂得 当吸血鬼呢 我不能吃也不能喝 As you know, being a vampire, I cannot eat or drink.
好可怜 Poor you.
啊.. Ah...
吸血鬼的身份禁锢你多久了？ How long have you been caught up in this whole vampire trip?
如果你是问我做吸血鬼多少年了 I have been a vampire for over 700 years,
- 有700多年了 -是的 不好意思 稍等一下 - if that's what you're asking. - Yes, but-- one second.
不 不 不 不 不 打印的时候 No, no, no, no, no, you need to select
要选择列表窗口中的 Epson 4750 the Epson 4750 in the print queue window.
而不是Bonjour Not the Bonjour printing.
非常抱歉 等一下 I am so sorry. One second.
啊... 说说吧 Ah... Tell me.
做吸血鬼开心吗？ Are you happy being a vampire?
- 曾经过的好多了 -如果我告诉你 - I've had better days. - What if I were to tell you
还有另一种活法呢？ that there's another way?
一种不用害怕太阳的活法 A way that you can walk into the sun.
一种可以重新做人类的活法 A way that you can become human again.
我看你是满嘴跑火车 I'd say you were full of shit.
呃... 也许你走不了这条路 Eh... Well, perhaps this path isn't for you.
这是一条遍布荆棘的路 This is a difficult and treacherous path,
但是回报.. but the rewards...
回报是妙不可言的.. the rewards are unspeakably...
回味无穷 delicious.
所以 经过短暂的思考.. So, after short deliberation...
想通了 Yes.
我决定加入 ...I have decided to join
拔牙俱乐部 the Formerly Fanged.
这本小册子打动我了 The brochure is very persuasive.
我虽生性多疑 但这个简 I am skeptical by nature, but this Jan,
她说的很有道理 你知道吗？ she's really speaking to me, you know?
我和她一样 有着美丽的容颜和性感的身材 She also is incredibly beautiful and has a rocking body.
所以 你要放弃你的吸血鬼身份 So, you're renouncing your vampirism
去过人类的生活吗？ to go and try living as a human?
是的 这还有什么疑问吗？ - Yes. What part of that is not clear?
整件事情都让人匪夷所思 Well, how about the whole thing?
你不能假装自己是人类 你个傻蛋 You can't just pretend to be a human, you knoblord.
假装人类只是第一步 Pretending to be human is just the first step.
那么 第二步是什么呢？ Well, what is the second step?
我还不清楚这些步骤 I'm not clear on all the steps yet.
你为什么穿得像个摩比雕像？ Why are you dressed like a Playmobil figurine?
因为我还是人类的时候就是这么穿衣服的 Because this is how I used to dress when I was a human.
这太愚蠢了 This is all very stupid.
更不用说我们还是吸血鬼议会的领导人！ Not to mention that we are the leaders of the Vampiric Council!
如果让别人知道你跑去扮演人类 We're going to be a laughingstock when they find out
我们会成为笑柄的 you've gone crying off to go and play human dress-up.
- 对吧? -我个人是不会嘲笑你的 - Right? - I mean, I personally wouldn't laugh,
但难保别人不会 but there are those who would.
好吧 你们不用再担心这个了 Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore,
因为你们再也见不到我了 because you'll never see me again.
-给我 - Give me that.
给我！ Give me that!
我要开创先河！ Have a great, unenlightened eternity.
永别了！ Farewell!
拜拜! Auf Wiedersehen!
晚安 西雅图 祝你们过的开心！ Good night, Seattle, and good mental health!
- 再见 -主人 主人？ - See ya. - Master. Master?
我可以住他房间了 I get his room.
主人 等等！ Master, wait!
作为你的官方保镖 As your official bodyguard,
我有责任跟随你到任何地方 it's my duty to go with you everywhere--
我不再是你的主人了！ I am no longer your master!
我特此解除你的职务 I hereby relieve you of your service.
什么？ What?
我要去寻找幸福了 It is time for me to find happiness.
好吧 我也想找到幸福！ Well, I want to find happiness, too!
你以为我过去11年都在做什么？ What do you think I've been doing for the last 11 years?
天啊 又他妈来这一套 Oh, boy. Here we go again with this shit.
你以为我一直和你在一起是为了什么？ Why do you think I've lived with you this whole time?
你能不能... Can you please...
能不能在你离开之前把我变成吸血鬼？ please turn me into a vampire before you leave?
这样的话 多年以后 So that after all these years,
你和我都可以幸福 you and I both, both can be happy.
吉尔莫 Guillermo.
尽管我冷酷无情 你的性格还说的过去 Despite my cold dead heart and your "just okay" personality,
我慢慢开始喜欢上你了 I've grown to have some affection for you.
- 只是一点点 但是 你知道... -我也喜欢你 主... - Just a little bit, but, you know... - And I for you, Mas--
看得出来 Well, obviously.
但是做吸血鬼是一种诅咒 But vampirism is a curse,
我太在乎你了 and I care for you too much
所以不能给你增加负担 to burden you with that.
我的良心会过意不去的 It would weigh too heavily on my conscience.
哔 笑一笑 Boop. There's that smile.
曾经的吸血鬼.. Once a vampire...
今晚只是一个普通男人 tonight, I am only a man.
擦干你的脸 Dry your face.
你看起来就像一条湿内裤 You look like a pair of wet undies.
我不可以再飞了 As I can no longer fly,
所以我今晚步行去简家 I will have a nice evening stroll to Jan's.
- 普通人类要过马路了 -小...小心点 - Just a human man crossing the street. - C-Careful.
你想撞死我吗? ！ Are you shitting me?!
你不能就这样在街上走 You can't just walk out into the street like that.
你得左右看看 You have to look both ways.
这是作为人类的第一条准则 That's literally rule number one of being human.
真是个糟糕的开始 It's a bad start.
我他妈的拿着这个干什么？ What the fuck am I gonna do with this?
已经有一个月了自从... 他叫什么名儿来着？ It's been about a month since... What's his name?
南多! 拜托 拉兹洛 Nandor! Come on, Laszlo.
抱歉 呃 自从他走了之后 Sorry. Uh, since he buggered off.
不过 说实话 没有什么大的改变 Nothing much has changed, though, to be honest.
有一件事已经改变了 One thing that has changed, which is such a relief,
那就是不会有人在家里不断地哭了 is you don't have this constant soundtrack
这也是很令人欣慰的 of weeping in the house the whole time.
- 我们一点都不怀念 是吧? -是的 - We don't miss that, do we? - No.
我搬进了南多的房间 So, I've moved into Nandor's room.
我花了些时间 Uh, it's taken me awhile
才使得所有的东西上都有我的气味 -to get my scent on everything.
普通的吸血鬼没有肠胃消化系统 Regular vampires have no gastric system.
而精力吸血鬼是有的 为了让他们周围的人厌恶 Energy vampires do, to annoy those around them
以及标记他们的领地 and mark their territory.
开始有家的感觉了 It's beginning to feel like home.
说实话 这段时间有点难熬 It's been kind of tough, honestly.
我认识南多很久了 You know, I've known Nandor for a long time,
现在 我的生活里没有他了 and now he's not in my life anymore.
甚至都没有留下他的地址什么的 He didn't even leave an address or anything,
这很让人伤心 which is hurtful.
一直以来我都在想 我离开或者放弃的时候 I mean, I guess know now how it feels.
会有什么感觉 All the times I left or quit.
我只是从没想到... I just never thought that...
他是那个离开的人 所以... that he'd be the one, you know, to leave, so...
很抱歉我们不能让他快乐 I'm just sorry that we couldn't make him happy,
我希望他现在快乐 and I hope he's happy now.
♪你已经一个星期不想见我了♪ ♪ It's been one week since you looked at me♪
♪你的头歪向一边说 “我很生气”♪ ♪ Cocked your head to the side and said, "I'm angry"♪
♪你嘲笑了我五天♪ ♪ Five days since you laughed at me, saying♪
♪我说“振作起来 回过头来看看我”♪ ♪ "Get your act together, come back and see me"♪
♪我呆在客厅已经三天了♪ ♪ Three days since the living room♪
♪我意识到这都是我的错 但我没法告诉你♪ ♪ I realized it's all my fault but couldn't tell you♪
♪昨天 你原谅了我♪ ♪ Yesterday, you'd forgiven me♪
♪但还要两天 我才会说对不起♪ ♪ But it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry♪
我爱这里的生活 I love my life here.
我感到精神焕发 I feel invigorated.
- 再来点花椰菜 -我都忘了像人类一样生活 - More broccoli. - I forgot how exciting it was
有多么刺激了 to live like a human.
♪ 当我放弃押韵 辣得像芥末♪ ♪ Hot like wasabi when I bust rhymes...♪
现在 计算税款时 Now, when doing your taxes,
女人们 要假装自己不明白 women, act like you don't understand.
什么事 小南？ Yes, Nandy?
是 在我看来 这个山姆大叔 Yes, it seems to me that this Uncle Sam
正在榨干我们 is bleeding us dry.
也许我们应该放他的血！ Maybe we should bleed him!
不 不 不 不 不 我们可以喝一下印度爱尔啤酒 No, no, no, no, no. We blow off steam
或者大晚上骑个自行车来发泄一下来着 with an IPA or maybe an evening bike ride.
好了 让我们来看看怎么给小费 All right, let's move on to how to tip.
每一刻都是那么弥足珍贵 Every moment is precious.
加油 小南！ Come on, Nandy!
每个晚上我们都拔掉尖牙 We rip out our fangs every night.
它们总是在早上重新长出来 They always grow back in the morning.
但是简说她正想办法让它永久化！ But Jan says she's working on a way to make it permanent!
因为我们被禁止使用吸血鬼的能力 Because we are forbidden to use our vampiric powers
或者力量 总而言之 or strength in any way,
生活总给我惊喜 life is constantly surprising me.
我已经输了123场沙包游戏了 I have lost 123 straight games of cornhole,
我从未感到如此活力四射 and I have never felt more alive.
成功了！ 我成功了！ I did it! I did it!
对啊 小南 你很有人情味 Yes, Nandy. Very human.
简教会了我很多 Jan has taught me so much.
男性在和你解释 This is especially important for the women
你擅长领域里的东西时 when you're an expert about something,
女同胞们 你们的眼神要紧张 但微笑要明显 and a man is explaining it to you.
这很重要 Strained eyes but really big smile.
从你看我到现在已经有一个星期了 ♪ It's been one week since you looked at me♪
♪把你的手臂放在两边 说“对不起”♪ ♪ Dropped your arms to the sides and said, "I'm sorry"♪
♪ 有五天了 自从我...♪ 何曾想过作为一个普通人那样过日子 -♪ Five days since I...♪ Who knew that living as a human
会重点我沉睡已久的激情 would reignite the zeal for life I thought to be long dormant?
♪ 昨日 你只是对我微笑 确保让宝宝学习 -♪ Yesterday, you just smiled at me♪ - Make sure that Baby learns.
♪ 因为离我们道歉还有两天时间♪ -♪ 'Cause it'll still be two days till we say we're sorry♪
♪还有两天♪♪简是那么朝气蓬勃 魅力十足 -♪ It'll still be two days...♪ Jan is just so alive and electric.
她改变了我的生活 She has changed my life.
是啊 我们就这么潇洒 Oh, yeah, we're fucking.
一 二 三 四 - One, two, three, four,
五 六 七 气氛鼎盛 five, six, seven, make it hot.
我很应该去看看他 I should probably check in on him.
当然不是以一种奇怪的方式 Not in a weird way.
比如 我不必检查普通人类的情况 Like, I don't need to check in on peop--
我只是想确保他没事 I just want to make sure he's okay,
因为如果有什么不对劲 'cause if something wasn't okay
我又什么都没做 and I didn't do anything about it,
那我就不能原谅自己了 then I couldn't live with myself.
所以 作为南多的好朋友 So, as a good friend,
我得去看看他在干什么 I'm going to look into what he's doing
在他不知情的情况下 without him knowing.
我真的很担心他 I'm really worried about him.
他活在真实世界里 He's out there in the real world,
可能会很危险 你知道吗 and it could be dangerous, you know?
如果他真的有大麻烦了怎么办 Like, what if he's in real big trouble?
你在我房间里干什么？ What are you doing in my room?
南多 一定在什么地方留下了蛛丝马迹 Nandor must have left some kind of clue somewhere,
指引着我们他在哪里或者要去哪里 telling us where he's at or where he's going.
就像 或许这本打开了的小册子 Like, maybe this pamphlet that's just sitting out in the open?
“慎防你们这些弱智白痴在乎的话...” "In case any of you dumb, idiot assholes care--"
只有一个“s”的“混蛋” assholes with one "S," uh--
“我去过的地方 就是这里 ” "where I've gone, it's here."
把那个给我 Give me that.
好吧 不过你最好去洗手 All right, but you may want to wash your hands.
那上面有一股臭屁味儿 That has a full room of butt wind on it.
我不想得结膜炎 也许你想 我不知道 Don't want to get pink eye, or maybe you do, I don't know.
我才不在乎呢 Don't really give a shit.
简说她以前从来没有见过任何人如此专注于 Jan says that she has never seen anyone as dedicated
我们的生活方式 to our way of life before.
别介意 Don't mind me.
所以她给了我一个晋升之类的机会 So she has given me a promotion of sorts.
我现在是她的二把手 I am now her number two.
-我看起来怎么样? -完美 - How do I look? - Perfect.
简说我们永远不会受到外界的威胁 Jan says we will always be safe from outsiders,
总有一天 我们会成为人类 看到太阳 and, one day, we will be human enough to see the sun.
我可以帮上忙 - And I get to help with that.
在我以前的家 In my former household,
如果我说“我是二把手” I would have been teased mercilessly
我会被无情地嘲笑 for saying things like, "I am a number two."
但是在这里 二把手受到了极大的尊重 But here, number twos are treated with the utmost respect.
南多有点不对劲 Something's wrong with Nandor.
我能感觉到 所以我要确保他没事 I feel it, so I'm just gonna make sure that he's okay,
因为我是他的好朋友 或者说我们曾经是朋友 'cause I'm a good friend, or we were friends.
就是... 你懂的 It's... you know.
只是想确保一切都安好 Just want to make sure everything is okay.
登记入住那些东西是怎么进去的？ A little check-in. How did those get in there?
是时候开始锻炼了 Time to get our workout on.
你好 Hello.
对不起对不起 Sorry. Sorry.
-我准备把这个放在这里 - I'm just gonna put this over here.
这是谁的位置？ Is this anyone's spot?
主人 主人 主人 Master. Master. Master.
吉尔莫 你在这里干什么？ Guillermo, what in the hell are you doing here?
只是在上我最喜欢的课 Just taking one of my favorite classes.
是啊 在这里看到你真是太巧了 世界真小 Yeah, what a coinkydink to see you here, so crazy.
你当我是三岁小孩吗？ You think I was born yesterday?
我可比你大多了！ I was born a long time from yesterday.
-你是来监视我的对吧? -不 我只是想.. - You're here to spy on me, aren't you? - No, I just wanted--
-好! -妈的 操 All righty! - Shit. Fuck.
- 我们来点刺激的! -耶！ - Let's make it hot! Yeah!
那么 大家都准备好了吗？ Yes! Who is ready to burn?
开始 - Let's do this.
五 六 七 八 - Five, six, seven, eight.
上 上 快点 让我刮目相看 Up, up. Come on. Give me something.
小南 自然点 Ooh, Nandy, becoming a natural.
漂亮 宝贝 Looking good, baby.
漂亮 继续 Looking good, come on.
给点火花 Put some stank on it.
停止音乐！ Stop the music!
噢糟糕 Oh, shit.
你.. You...
你是谁？ Who are you?
我 我是吉尔莫 Oh, I'm-I'm just Guillermo.
你他妈的在这里干什么 吉尔莫？ What the fuck are you doing here, Guillermo?
我只是.. Um, I'm, uh, just...
我不认识他 I don't know him.
只是在锻炼身体 Just working on my fitness.
- 嗯 -检查他的行李 - Mm-hmm. - Check his bags.
那是我的包 你不能那么做 Well, that's my bag, so you can't do that.
- 那是我的私人物品 -噢不 你没有 告诉我你没有 - That's my property. - Oh, no. You didn't. Tell me you didn't.
对 就是毛巾之类的 - Yeah, just like towels and stuff.
武器！ Weapons!
糟了 - Shit. - Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.
不是这样的... 不是这样的 That's just not what it... that's not what it looks like.
我没有... 那只是为了以防万一.. I wasn't gonna-- That was just in case something...
不 不 不 不 不 不 吉尔莫 Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, Guillermo.
-我不会伤害任何人 - I'm not gonna hurt anyone.
我不会伤害任何人 I'm not gonna hurt anyone.
我的孩子们！ My children!
我的人类同胞们 My fellow human children,
有人潜进来了 we have been infiltrated.
- 不 我... -有个闯入者想毁了我们 - No, I'm... - An interloper is here to ruin us.
他是来谋杀我们 也是来毁灭我们的梦想的 - He is here to kill us and our dreams.
他不能离开这里 He must not leave here.
他会带来更多像他一样的人 He will bring more like him.
我的孩子们 我们正在遭受攻击 My children, we are under attack.
我们不能让这个吉尔莫逍遥法外 We cannot let this Guillermo go unpunished.
- 你做了什么吉尔莫? -捂住你的脸 - What did you do, Guillermo? - Cover your face.
- 什么? -遮住你的脸！ - What? - Cover your face!
- 啊! 啊! -马上！ - Ay! Aah! - Now!
快点 我们走！ Come on, let's go!
你把大蒜粉涂在我朋友身上！ You covered my friends in garlic powder!
对不起！ I'm sorry!
- 那是... -快点！ - That's... - Come on!
对不起 珍妮特 Sorry, Janet.
放手 Hey, let go.
-你口袋里有十字架吗？ - You have a crucifix in your pocket?
- 这可不好 -闭嘴! 我们走！ - That's not nice. - Shut up! Let's go!
你需要放松！ You need to chillax!
- 我的朋友们! -这边！ - My friends! - This way!
不要伤害我的朋友！ Don't hurt my friends!
你磕到头了吗？ Ow! Did you bang your head?
我不知道他怎么了 I don't know what's come over him.
咪咪！ - Mimi!
咪咪 我很抱歉！ Mimi, I'm sorry about this!
- 快点 快点! -放手！ - Come on! Come on! - Let go!
-对不起 咪咪 -跟着我！ - Sorry, Mimi. - Stay with me!
- 拜托! -你刚刚打了杰里米 - Come on! - You just punched Jeremy.
管他杰里米! Fuck Jeremy!
- 我们走 -你在干什么！ - Let's go. - What are you doing?!
-我是来救你的 主人 -如果我不是人类 - I'm rescuing you, Master. - If I wasn't a human,
我会捏碎你的小弟弟然后把它摔在地上 I'd be crushing your dick and slamming it on the floor.
-你本来就不是人类 -放开我 啊 好痒 - You're not a human. - Get off me! Ah! That tickles.
-你被洗脑了 - You've been brainwashed.
你要带我去哪儿？ Where are you taking me?
-我要带你回家！ - I'm taking you home!
我不想在这里 我想和简在一起！ Don't want to be out here. I want to be in there with Jan!
你想和我们一起回家 上车 You want to be home with us. Get in the van.
那才是你想要的 好吗 That's where you want to be, okay?
我不需要拯救 I didn't need rescuing.
我在那玩得很开心 I was having a great time back there
直到你出现 把所有人都打得落花流水 till you came and kicked everyone's ass.
他们想杀我 They were trying to kill me!
他们拔掉了所有的尖牙 They pulled all their fangs out.
没有人会咬你 No one's going to bite you.
我们都是温和善良的人 We're a gentle people, a gentle human people.
你不是人类 主人！ You're not a human, Master!
我不是? 那你怎么解释这个？ I'm not? Then how do you explain this?
♪ 你看着我已经一个星期了 ♪ It's been one week since you looked at me♪
♪ 把你的头歪向一边 说 “我很生气” ♪ Cocked your head to the side and said, "I'm angry"♪
♪ 自从你嘲笑我已经五天了♪ ♪ Five days since you laughed at me.♪
我整首歌都会 I know the whole fucking song.
我得说那真是个该死的人类 你说呢？ I'd say that was pretty gosh-darn human, wouldn't you?
你被洗脑了 You've been brainwashed.
被洗脑了 被洗脑了 Brainwashed, "shmain-washed."
这正是 简 警告我们的 You know, this is exactly what Jan warned us
那些无神论者会指责我们 that the nonbelievers would accuse us of.
你被洗脑了 不过没关系 You've been brainwashed, but it's okay,
因为我们要给你洗脑 because we are going to deprogram you.
-住手 算了吧 - Stop. Let it go.
你就没想过听我说！ 听我说 Did you not think for a second-- Listen to me!
你有曾想过我 Did you ever consider for one moment
可能几十年来第一次感到前所未有的快乐？ that I might be happy for the first time in decades?
几十年了！ Decades!
我找到了属于我的地方 That I found somewhere where I feel that I belong.
这让我觉得自己很有价值 很强大 That makes me feel useful and powerful
以我从未感受过的方式 in ways I've never felt.
从来没过！ Never!
700年来都没有 Not in 700 years.
你有没有想过？ Did you ever consider that?
- 没有 -没 - No. - No.
现在我要做的是 So what I'm going to do now is
我要下车 I'm going to get out of this car,
我要去叫辆出租车或者公交车 and I'm going to go and get a taxi or a bus
或者地铁 或者优步 or subway or Lyft or Uber,
我要回到我的人类社区 and I'm gonna go back to my human community.
就是这样 And that is that.
你什么时候在这个小破地方安装了 When did you install silver rope-lined seat belts
银色的座位安全带？ in this little shitbox?
对不起 主人 这是为了你好 Sorry, Master. It's for your own good.
各位 各位 You guys, you guys.
喘口气 孩子 Catch your breath, boy.
我想我做了一些非常激烈的事情 I think I did something really drastic.
噢 你在你的小鸡鸡上打了个洞？ Oh, you pierce your pee-pee?
- 没有 但是... -给你的小弟弟纹身？ - No, but-- Tattoo your pee-pee?
- 你们... -跟我们说说你的小鸡鸡 - You guys-- - Tell us more about your pee-pee.
你从来没这么有趣过 You've never been so interesting.
别再说我的小鸡鸡了 好吗？ Stop talking about my pee-pee, okay?
我没有对我的小弟弟做任何事！ I didn't do anything to my pee-pee!
得了 就相信我的做的 Okay, just trust that what I did
我不得不这么做 你相信我吗？ I had to do, okay? Do you trust me?
不 不 不 No. No. No.
那他妈的是谁? 喔 天啊 恶心！ Who the fuck is that? Oh, my-- ew!
搞什么？ What the hell?
我得说他被洗脑了 I'd say he's been brainwashed.
行了 柯林 鲁宾逊 Right, okay, Colin Robinson,
去议会图书馆看看有没有 go to the council library and see if there's
任何关于驱邪净化的文献 any literature on the art of deprogramming.
不 没必要这样做 柯林 鲁宾逊 - No, there's no need to do that, Colin Robinson,
因为我没有被洗脑 我完全正常 because I am not brainwashed. I am perfectly sane.
我只是和我的新朋友们玩得很开心 I was just having fun with my new friends.
帕特丽夏 科温克就是这么说的 That's, uh, basically what Patricia Krenwinkel said.
张嘴 好家伙 他拔掉了自己的尖牙 Open your mouth. Good Lord, he's pulled his fangs out.
不不不不不 不是你想的那样 - No, no. No, no, no, it's not what you think.
-南多 你呆在那里 老友 - Nandor! You stay in there, old pal,
我会去找人来 and I'll go and find someone
修理你那该死的大脑 to mend that fucked-up brain of yours.
不 没必要这么做 No, there's no need to do that.
- 拉兹洛? 吉尔莫? 拜托 -对不起 - Laszlo? Guillermo? Please. Come on. - I'm sorry.
吉尔莫 不要！ Guillermo! No!
♪全镇的灯都熄灭了♪ ♪ Lights go out all over town♪
♪ 城市里的人♪ ♪ People in the city♪
♪ 能听到警笛的声音♪ ♪ Could hear the siren's sound♪
你说过如果我们相信你 你会一直保护我们 You said if we trusted you, you would always protect us.
你骗了我们 You lied to us!
冷静点 - Calm down.
请冷静 我的孩子们 - Please calm down, my children.
现在是最终拒绝永生的时候了 The time has come for the final rejection of eternal life.
是时候了！ - It is time!
为了最终的燃烧！ For the ultimate burn!
-所有人到屋顶上去 -好！ - Everyone, to the roof. Yes!
我们都会走进阳光里 We will all walk into the sunlight.
来吧宝贝 Come on, baby.
来吧 就是这样子 Come on. That's it.
就是这样 - That's it. Oh...
我的孩子 我的孩子 My children, my children.
别担心 玛丽莲 Don't worry, Marilyn.
我马上就出去 姑娘！ I'll be right out there in a minute, girl!
我就在你后面 - I'm right behind you.
好吧 我们从头再来 Well, back to the drawing board.
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♪ 跟我跑♪ ♪ Run with me♪
♪这是紧急事件♪ ♪ This is an emergency♪
♪ 跟着我♪ ♪ Stay with me♪
♪ 今晚♪ ♪ Tonight♪
♪ 我正在发出求救信号♪ ♪ I'm sending out an SOS♪
♪这是真的 不是演习♪ ♪ It's the real thing, not a test♪
♪ 今晚♪ ♪ Tonight♪
♪ 城市里有麻烦♪ ♪ There's trouble in the city.♪
柯林 鲁宾逊阅读 COLIN ROBINSON READING]
喂? Hello?
请稍等 有美国总统的电话 Please hold for the President of the United States.
嘿 我一直在想着你 Hey. I've been thinking about you.
嗨帅哥 Hi, handsome.
我叫阿彻 My name's Archer.
我是个自大狂 每次任务 都会受到威胁 Uh, I'm an egomaniac who endangers every mission.
而且 我一天差不多24小时都醉醺醺的 Also, I'm inebriated almost 24 hours a day.
丢得差不多 然后再捡起 Lose the almost and then take it again
我叫 B J 诺瓦克 我想告诉你们 这是我制作的节目 My name is B. J. Novak. I wanna tell you about this show I made.
每次都是完全不同的一集 It's a completely different episode every time.
-有流行文化 -性 - Pop culture. - Sex.
复仇 Revenge.
找到了 是这个吗？ Here it is. Is that it?
就是这个 That's it.
不能让任何人知道他 Nobody can know about him.
人们将不得不选择立场 People are going to have to take sides.